A Second Chance at the Race
In June I almost died. Suddenly and inexplicably my liver began to fail. Over the course of twenty-four hours, there came a time when the doctors worried I would slip into confusion and began monitoring me for the last phases of liver failure. If you have had a sudden illness that pushed you toward the precipice of life, you might recognize the wrestling match that happened with God in what might have been those last few hours of my life. Not knowing how long my lucidity would last, I prayed.
For years, God had been calling me to write and I resisted. I did the bare minimum—and only because He was relentless with me about it. I wrote a Bible study. I knew he was calling me to write it, yet, in the midst of it I doubted. S till today I wonder if He intends to do anything with it. But that’s neither here nor there. If you know the God of the Bible, He cares very little about the product of our labors and far more about our obedience. What it comes down to is this: I did what he asked me to do. But the greater calling to write? I resisted it for a few reasons, but I can’t deny it was mostly because I know that if I decided to actually devote myself to this calling, it would mean a lack of freedom to do whatever I wanted with my time. This thing that I did for fun, would become hard. That didn’t sound appealing.
It was about 18 months ago that I began to embrace this calling and acknowledged I am a communicator of the gospel, gifted in multiple mediums: speaking, teaching and writing. It was still awkward to say it out loud, but I finally began saying it out loud like I believed it, even though I felt like a toddler still performing awkwardly. Imagine my frustration and heart break when I found my life hurling quickly toward its end.
Of course, I wrestled in the deep, desperate way I did when I asked Him to do everything He intended to do with Lydia’s life—a baby I carried for thirteen weeks knowing she would not likely live—perfectly. “Lord why would I only now embrace this calling and you take me out of this life before I get a chance to fulfill it?” I truly believed that when I found myself on my death bed with a chance to assess my life, I would feel satisfied that my work had been done well. In this case, I felt like I hadn’t even had a chance to begin my work! This was the agony I was working out with God in the depths of my heart, quietly. Vocally I prayed for a chance at a second half of the race and promised to run the second half better than the first.
Recently I began to ponder the fact that I lived, but this second half of the race wasn’t looking much different than the first. I was quietly wondering what I should be doing differently. Somewhere in the middle of these wonderings I reached out to a friend who is grieving the terminal diagnosis of her father for an update on their family. After giving me a brief update on his progress, she said she was to run 15 miles and bike 100 miles that upcoming weekend.
Did you notice that? She’s got real things in her life she is dealing with. All kinds of responsibilities including a very sick father, a career in medicine, and parenting two amazing kids. But when asked about one of her burdens, she didn’t leave out her training. She’s all in on this race. She wants to be able to compete in a gargantuan sized competition. And that takes focus. It takes putting in hundreds of miles no one ever sees, investing hundreds of hours that no one else gets to share. I can imagine the alone time can be equally as challenging as it is rewarding, especially since that kind of training takes more hours away from a family I know she loves dearly. There’s sacrifice from everyone around her and commitment from those who are closest to her. I’m sure there’s pain, soreness from her training and disappointment in her performances as she goes. But she goes out day after day so she can run, bike and swim well. Everyone in her life knows she’s training, because she’s talking about it.
This! This is how I run my race better. This is how we all run our races better. If you have a calling on your life that you know is from the Lord then it is the race marked out before you:
“Therefore since we all have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every hindrance and the sin that so easily ensnares us. Let us run with endurance the race that lie before us, keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith..”
I’m now planning to put in the countless unseen hours of writing and training as a communicator. I’m making serious adjustments in my life. My family will sacrifice things, and my friends will know what I’m about. I’m going to put in the lonely work and I know in the process disappointment and frustration will come. But I also know I can’t keep it a secret. The cloud of witnesses around me will know, will see my awkward performances but many will cheer me on. And as for the rest of the verse…
“…keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that lay before Him He endured the cross despising the shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”
Jesus had one calling here on earth: to make known the love of the Father. That was the race marked out before him. And with the joy of getting to sit beside His Father knowing He revealed to mankind God’s infinite love for them through the work of the cross, he despised its shame, ran his excruciating race with that seat in the forefront of His mind the entire time. That throne and the presence of His father was His “why.”
Hebrews 12:1 specifically begins, “Therefore since we all..” If you are a believer, you have a calling. An area of giftedness God wants to use for a calling that is no different than Christ’s: to reveal the Father and the Son. We do this as we allow the Holy Spirit to do His work in us. We all have a calling, but the long, hard road in front of us can be incredibly overwhelming unless we take note that even Jesus didn’t run the race without a “why.”
Each time I sit at my desk in the silence I’m taking one more step toward Jerusalem as the foal of an ass that carried Jesus through the crowds to Jerusalem. Maybe one day I will get to hear my world cry, “Hosanna in the Highest” because, through my words, He will be elevated. Then again, maybe not—and it needs to not matter. Because obedience is the act of worship and worship is my “why.” It seems to be the only “why” that works to motivate me.
Once we know our why, then with the joy set before us, let’s train and grow in endurance. Let’s stop putting things off “waiting for God’s timing.” Sometimes that’s the right thing to do, but what if we’re just afraid of truly embracing and working toward our calling is going to require great sacrifices of finances, time and energy or that we might look foolish in the trying? If that’s why we’re actually not letting out rubber soles meet the road, then waiting on God’s timing is simply an excuse and it reveals how little we believeabout the characteristics of God that we say we know . I don’t know about you, but I know that when I say yes to God, He makes the ride that looks so terrifying, the most exhilarating experience imaginable. But do I believe that? Do you believe that? Are we willing to let God take us on this terrifying ride?
I have every confidence now that when my end actually comes, I will be satisfied with exhaustion and entirely poured out. And I have great hope that maybe I’ll get to see his purposes in allowing me to live these extra days. But even if I don’t get to see it, you’ll still find me at my desk training unless, and until He calls me somewhere else.